thoughts and musings

I think I’m losing the plot (Allan you’ve been asking this question for quite some time). Something has gone wrong, and I think I know what it is, but I don’t know how to make all things spin again.
I’ve had enough of taking part of this theatrical interpretation of life. I need something solid here.
I can’t watch anymore as people attempt to re-enact the lives of other so-called celebrities.
I can’t watch anymore as people play with the spirituality or religion like it is the left overs of meal that no-one really wanted to eat in the first place.
I can’t watch anymore as people pour upon their bodies the troubles of this world.
I desperately want to turn my head and refocus on making myself feel something of okness, and pretend that if I shut my eyes all this hell will go away.

Somewhere near here I should hit the bottom, maybe from the bottom I can find a way up. Maybe at the bottom I won’t have to worry anymore about the stability of my self built false floor. I have found myself hoping for the bottom, maybe from there I can refocus on the pin-point of light at the top again, and rediscover my ‘why’ then I pray that it will make sense in my head again. Maybe the bottom won’t be anything like I expect, maybe the bottom will be the actual top… and the seeming top be the actual bottom. Maybe I’m closer to discovering how to engage with God in a new way than I think, or maybe I’m closer to seeing more clearly why it is that I can’t seem to get anywhere.

Maybe I’m depressed, or burnt out, I believe that I’m a little of both. For some reason it feels ok. Possibly, as I wait for the morning sun to rise I will understand a little more than I already do.

For all you Cockroaches this is for you!!

As a Queenslander I would just like to remind all those New South Welshman out there about who won last year and would just like to suggest a probably outcome for the game tonight?...
Here's the line up: There is a few changes that I would make, but still it's looks pretty good:

1. Karmichael HUNT (Brisbane Broncos)
2. Brent TATE (Brisbane Broncos)
3. Steven BELL (Manly Sea Eagles)
4. Justin HODGES (Brisbane Broncos)
5. Greg INGLIS (Melbourne Storm)
6. Darren LOCKYER (c) (Brisbane Broncos)
7. Johnathan THURSTON (North QLD Cowboys)
8. Steve PRICE (New Zealand Warriors)
9. Cameron SMITH (Melbourne Storm)
10. Petero CIVONICEVA (Brisbane Broncos)
11. Tonie CARROLL (Brisbane Broncos)
12. Carl WEBB (North QLD Cowboys)
13. Dallas JOHNSON (Melbourne Storm)

14. Shaun BERRIGAN (Brisbane Broncos)
15. Jacob LILLYMAN (North QLD Cowboys)
16. Nate MYLES (Sydney Roosters)
17. Neville COSTIGAN (Canberra Raiders)

I would get rid of Civoniceva (because he's USELESS, and somehow impresses the selectors every year) and bring back from retirement Trevor 'the axe' Gillmeister, no actually I think Mal should step out of the coaching role and make a comeback, anyone will do, just get Civoniceva off the ground!

All in all it should be a good game (even with Civoniceva casually strolling around the battlefield. This is just a drop in the bucket compared to the enormity of the Bleddislow Cup (Australia V New Zealand) June 30th. Rugby Union is by far the better game. But tonight Rugby League will do.

In closing I will leave a picture of the 06 QLD team and highlight the strangely beautiful man Holding the Shield, more commonly known as Darren Lockyer. For all those who watched last years game, you will remember what this dream boat did to the opposition. He may be getting old, but unlike 'The Axe' he blatantly refuses to move into a nursing home. Tonight at 7:30 you will see him gracing the field, (possibly with a walker or even one of those little gofer things you see the oldies going to the shop in, but he'll be there!

Go the Maroons!

Kids

Mel and I have had kids from around Rocherlea hanging out at our house, pretty much everyday for the last 3 months. It’s been amazing to meet all these little characters. It’s also been amazing to see them in their social settings and the values and attitudes that they come with. At first, they were hectic and over powering generally, but this week when Mel was in hospital with Chay, the two nights I was home alone it was amazing how much I missed their company and energy. They may just be kids, but it has me wondering about what Jesus meant when he said about us having to become like a child before we can enter the kingdom of God.

Yesterday I got home from work and Mel told me a story about her day, which involved the one of the kids specifically. Melody was about to walk up to the shop to get milk, and the kids were going to go with her. As she just got out the front door, she checked to see if she had enough $’s, as it turned out, she was a little short. On the announcement of going to the shop, one of the boys declared that he had $6 and was making a list of things that he was going to buy for himself. However, upon discovering that Mel did not have enough, he offered that he would give Mel the money that she needed to get the milk.

The rest of the story is irrelevant, but it got me to wondering again, about what Jesus meant when he said that we had to become like a child before we could enter His Kingdom. Moreover, here on my doorstep a 9-year-old boy shows me something of sharing valuable things with friends. A 9 year old having $6 is a significant thing. A 22 year old having $6 is nothing, however sometimes I am unprepared to part with small amounts for the sake of someone else; let alone part with something that is significant to me.

I wonder what else these (at first annoying) kids have to teach me about God.

Pop culture poisons my soul…

I’ve been reflecting on what it really means follow Jesus and to be incarnational.
Though it’s true that Jesus became “one of us” and identified himself with most human experiences, He did not submit to the popular culture of His day. When I choose to live “missionally” in the community I live in, it’s not much a matter of becoming like the people around me in their values and lifestyle choices. Rather it’s a matter of living generously, freely and lovingly alongside people. Others don’t grow from simply seeing a mirror image of themselves, rather they grow through having a listening ear, genuine compassion and kindness. My life is a human life. Full of ups and downs, fears and dreams, mundane and amazing.

I find myself consistently poisoned by subconsciously believing & following pop culture.
Though I’ve never considered myself beautiful and often craved beauty in the popular sense, it has never been as much a struggle for me as now that my body is stretched and “marred” by experience, by use. Why do I struggle to view these scars as beautiful? It’s because I buy into the belief that outer “perfection” brings happiness. I buy into the belief that my husband needs a picture perfect model to make love to; that I need to smell like Paris Hilton rather than baby powder; that I should turn heads in the street.

I’ve been meditating on a phrase that John the Baptist said about Jesus:
“He must become greater & greater, I must become less & less.”
At the heart of popular culture is the opposite “I must become greater & greater, others must become less & less.” Maybe we cringe at the statement, but how often do our lives reflect the second phrase, not the first?

When I seek first my own happiness, happiness eludes me.
Maybe that’s why God said “seek first My kingdom”. It’s an upside down kingdom that elevates the innocent, inexperienced, poor, wretched, humble and despised.

As I thought about this I was shocked by how much western Christianity often reflects popular culture more than Christ. Oh it’s thinly veiled by pious words… “delight yourself in the Lord”…. IN ORDER TO GET “the desires of your heart”. When we reflect on how much Jesus “loves us & wants the best for us” at the expense of the other things that He said, we’re simply putting a fish sticker on a million dollar Mercedes. Jesus said “woe to the rich”. Yet we think Rich? Yeah – you’re going down Tom Cruise and forget that Jesus was speaking to people whose riches paled in comparison to ours.

Another curse of pop culture I think is choice. We can choose who we talk to, who we ignore, what job we do, whether we drive, ride or walk. We can choose to change partners every few years, upgrade our possessions regularly, travel to new countries.
Why I think it’s a curse is because we’ve forgotten the value of endurance, faithfulness, simplicity. A little while back Josh & I watched a simple movie about a Mongolian family… people who still live in tents, still raise what they need to live on, whose circle of influence extends as far as their family & a small community of people. Are they any less valuable in God’s sight? Are their achievements any less than ours?
I’ve been meditating on the often used expression “when Jesus was on the cross He had my face in His mind”. Slowly I’ve begun to question that. Where does it indicate this? Yes it’s true that Jesus is God & God is powerful enough to think of and maintain all the billions of human beings at all times. Yes it’s true that God has a deep love for each of His created beings. Yes it’s true that Jesus’ life, death & resurrection free us from being under a curse of not knowing God’s love. But was Jesus focused on ME as He died? Do any of the few words He spoke show that? He was still human, still focused on those around him, those who crucified him, his mother and His Father that He committed His Spirit to.

Perhaps we like to imagine Jesus’ final thoughts being about us as an individual. But considering the communal nature of God I find it far more likely that His thoughts weren’t about how great Melody’s life will be if I do this. Perhaps we need to explore further the fact that God loved the WORLD so much that he gave His only Son and spend less time substituting our own name in every verse that promises God’s love.

I know that the first to speak often sounds right until someone else offers another view. So putting these thoughts on a blog opens me up, in humility, to the thoughts of others.
Mel

Pick of the Litter!

Sometimes I wonder about how I got to where I am spiritually etc, I look back and am marveled at just how much God has placed before me and the relationships that I am honored to be apart of.

But there are days like this one, when I meet my match. Admittedly I should never have even entertained the thought as there is no way we could afford it, but I took for a test ride an Aprila RSV Tuono-R 1000 (It may be an 03 model but I dare not fall in love with its 07 counter-part). This V-Twin behemoth took my breath away, with its low down toque, and beautiful song (it would make the best church choir/band, look like common hacks!), it has replaced the Honda VTR Firestorm as my favorite bike. I could feel my arms throbbing even after I got home. Ahhh what a bike, many people consider Italians to be very arrogant, but when some little Italian man is designing bikes like that; than as far as I’m concerned, they are allowed to be arrogant.

Its days like these that I wonder why it is that I steer very hard away from the image of God who is the giver of the things that I want. The whole, go and proclaim it to be yours and you will get what ever you want. Because if I believed it even just a little, I would be down there praying my butt off right now! I don’t think that many (urbs/Dad excluded) who occasionally read my blog really appreciate the enormity of this, but trust me if you were into bikes you would get it. ;)

Ahh I’m sure God has got a better road for me to be on. Today I wish that I was on the road with my Aprila, but I guess it’s just not to be.

Not my will, but yours be done.

Poem of the day

Days… Just trapped in my head stuck in between, wanting something better and wanting to change and staying the same.
Stuck feeling increasingly indecisive, confused and stubborn
Itching to change, but feeling that I should consolidate
Wanting stability, craving for spontaneity
Needing space to be alone, feeling afraid of my self.
Wanting God, concerned about what he might say
Praying for rain, hanging out for a ray of hope
Maybe I should just sleep…
Maybe I should stop running from myself
Maybe I should listen to God?

Spirituality???

The spiritual life is hard work and anything less than that is a distortion. (Eugene Peterson)

I have been thinking a fair bit about the Spiritual journey that Mel and I are on. My Dad the other night had just come back from a Spiritual retreat that was run by a local Catholic Spirituality centre, and has been receiving Spiritual Direction from an Old Catholic nun. She made a comment to him that has really made me stop and think. She said to my Dad that “Protestants know the word of God, but the true Catholics know the God of the Word.” At first I thought yeah that’s good, I would like to know both a lot better and find a balance between the two. I got to thinking though about my vague fear of other Spiritual people. I’m talking about Spiritual people that are into the whole New Age movement. Some of these people have a sense of spirituality that puts most, if not all Christians/disciples of Jesus to shame.
Then the old nun’s statement made sense. Maybe my fear of their spirituality is due to my own lack of Spirituality and connection with the one true God; and is due to me fearing that my theology won’t stand up to their spirituality.
So maybe if I was a far more Spiritual person, and not only knew the Word of God, but also knew the God of the Word, the fear would be reduced.

I would like to know God like some of the old boys of the bible, the Peters and David’s, and non-biblical like the Mother Theresa’s and those kinda characters. I think that link between theology and action has a massive part to play in Spirituality. I don’t know, it’s something worth exploring.

I spoke at a youth holiday camp leadership thing they had for their youth leaders, anyhow, I got an email from one of the people who was in my workshop. I chose some of his choice questions/statement that seems to always pop up in my life. It made me aware again of our general lack of Spirituality, (using the nun’s statement as a measuring stick) His statements were:

“The whole idea behind a Love that has no conditions, no requirements or demands, is such a powerful thing, but something that is so terrifyingly difficult it almost makes me stop and wonder whether I am truly a Christian at all. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was very inspired and motivated by your message, but it makes me wonder just how much I do love God if I'm not even willing to follow His main command. I mean, do I really want God to move through my life? Or, is it I just want Him to make me feel good while I go about living my life the way I want to?”

“Its easy to believe in Jesus when all He is to you is a Genie in a bottle. But, when He actually confronts you and commands something of you, somehow you begin to doubt His existence. Well, I do anyway.”

I felt quite honoured to be asked to speak there. But mostly it just weirded me out. Like I’ve done the whole preaching thing before and that’s fine, but watching people write things down that I was saying, ha that just seems stupid! I find that when I speak all (ok some of) my fears and issues seem to boil to the surface, but to those that were there I hope and pray that something in it encouraged you to move forward toward Jesus.