thoughts and musings

I think I’m losing the plot (Allan you’ve been asking this question for quite some time). Something has gone wrong, and I think I know what it is, but I don’t know how to make all things spin again.
I’ve had enough of taking part of this theatrical interpretation of life. I need something solid here.
I can’t watch anymore as people attempt to re-enact the lives of other so-called celebrities.
I can’t watch anymore as people play with the spirituality or religion like it is the left overs of meal that no-one really wanted to eat in the first place.
I can’t watch anymore as people pour upon their bodies the troubles of this world.
I desperately want to turn my head and refocus on making myself feel something of okness, and pretend that if I shut my eyes all this hell will go away.

Somewhere near here I should hit the bottom, maybe from the bottom I can find a way up. Maybe at the bottom I won’t have to worry anymore about the stability of my self built false floor. I have found myself hoping for the bottom, maybe from there I can refocus on the pin-point of light at the top again, and rediscover my ‘why’ then I pray that it will make sense in my head again. Maybe the bottom won’t be anything like I expect, maybe the bottom will be the actual top… and the seeming top be the actual bottom. Maybe I’m closer to discovering how to engage with God in a new way than I think, or maybe I’m closer to seeing more clearly why it is that I can’t seem to get anywhere.

Maybe I’m depressed, or burnt out, I believe that I’m a little of both. For some reason it feels ok. Possibly, as I wait for the morning sun to rise I will understand a little more than I already do.